final

sometimes i wonder why i blog. it's so personal that i rarely give out the address. sometimes i wonder why i want to put such personal stuff out there on the internet. well, i think the anonimity of it is a big draw. the idea that someone i don't know may read it and find a kinship.
another reason is, merely having the potential of an audience makes me try harder to really put the right words to things. Also, i think i like having a chronicle of emotions and events. i like that there are so many bloggers out there, this big mass of mostly unread junk and opinions. And as much as I used to like writing with pen and paper, I now really like writing on the computer. I know I would not have written any of this stuff if blogging was not available.

Sighhhh....youth...

This is just to rail against the 20-somethings at my work who so casually dismiss death as not being a big deal. They're having this conversation, which was spurred by a funeral of a aunt who died of pancreatic cander, and grandly deciding between their two little genius selves that death is just the other side of getting to live, and just not such a big flippin' deal like the rest of the confused and ignorant world seems to think it is. I'm being suspiciously silent and shooting wry smiles, all the time my head is screaming "Rage, rage against the dying of the light!!!" and thinking about an elderly man I know of recently widowed, who asked his grown son to come sleep in his bed with him instead of make up the guest bed after it happened and she passed. Thinking of how he's fine and then he breaks down and can't stop crying, and of how he's supposed to learn at 85 to sleep in a bed alone, and is so defeated by it that he asks his 50 year old son to sleep next to him. A piece of his wife. Sure in a cosmic sense, yes: death is the mother of all beauty, etc., etc., theoretical imaginings...but be a human being about it all and own up to its utter destructiveness.

Burning Bridges

Lately I feel so very lonely. I actually have come to dread going to bed - being all alone in my bed. Friends are whooping it up for Halloween all weekend long, and I'm choosing to stay home. Seems contradictory right? But it's like I feel more lonely when I'm in that big group. Lately I've been telling myself that no one really cares if I am there or not, and the worst part is, I think it just may be true. Even in my girls group. The past three weeks, I haven't been able to convince myself to go, and instead stay home and blindly stare at the TV. Does anyone call me? No. Instead it feels like I'm getting shunned because of it. And then part of me feels like I never belonged in their game anyway, and I regret how honest I've been at times in the past. I don't even want to talk to some of my closer friends about it because it will just become this competative who-has-things-worse type conversation. Bleh.

It just feels like I've been alone for so long now. (cue eyes welling up with tears.) So, so very deeply alone. Right now I feel so far from God, and none of the verses about being content with having nothing but the knowledge of grace are having much effect. I can't seem to talk myself into there being a purpose for this. I just keep wanting it to end, but it keeps going and going. It feels useless to fight it almost. I'll think it's getting better, but then things go down hill again. There's such a mismatch between the public and private Amy right now. Public Amy shuttles along with all the duties efficiently at work and school. Private Amy goes home and mopes and cries too easily and can't sleep and has no ambition. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Funny thing is, I've been contemplating pregnancy ever so slightly the past few days. I was late, and I was just letting my mind wander along the off chance of my impregnation by a toilet seat, etc. I almost wouldn't mind a baby right now, in a vague floaty sense. Something to organize my life around, and to pour so much love into. (cue tears again.) It would so thoroughly jar me out of living my life by my own whims and turns. In some ways, it would take some of the pressure off of me always having to be putting out so many results.

I don't know. There's probably some neurosis in all this.

ahoy, new passport stamps!

I've decided to give up on worrying about sounding too nun-ish on my blog, and talk about my relationship with God freely. Hah. Not that I'm going to talk about God right now. I'm sort of tight-lipped with him these days. For the past couple weeks it feels like I'm living out of a part of my brain that I don't usually live out. I hope it passes soon.

Ahh, the fires. The wind. The combination. People are loosing their homes. Acerage is being burned. Smoke, it seems, is the proof of the destruction; loss floating in the air in dark, heavy, dirty clouds. Burning is such a different process than decomposition.

Okay, now I'm really starting.

I have some opportunities for travel approaching! Exciting ones! One of my friends is getting married in Scotland in May. I'd like to combine that going to Norway (fjordlands!). I have a friend there. Scotland, Norway and Wales. That's the dream list so far. Wales is supposed to have rugged, beautiful landscape. I'm thinking ten days to 2 weeks.

The second trip is for a wedding in Italy in July. There are sooo many places on the European mainland to visit. Right now I'm in dream phase. As it gets closer, I'll move more into the realm of finances, and that's where the really itinerary will be eeked out. Sometimes I wonder if I should invest the money instead, but carpe diem I suppose.

Finances. Now with the thought of all this, I am in "SAVE MONEY!" mode, and have banned myself from going to Whole Foods. Just Lassens these days. I just don't seem to buy as many "specialty" foods when I go to Lassens. No olive bar, salad bars, soy or rice ice creams, fancy cookies, expensive drinks, olive tapenade. When I shop at Lassens, I stick to the basics: veggies, fruits, grains, cheese, yogurt. Whole Foods can breed extravagance in me when I shop there exclusively for too long. Lately the big addict items for me are pomegranates and feta cheese. Yum!!!

to delete later in favor of a happy blog

This is going to be a dark-ish one. Let me describe the events of the past almost 24 hours. Last night I went to be around 10 p.m. A wise decision, ayurvedically speaking. Before I go any further, let me tell you about the guy who has been using my neighbor's garage to fix up his car in while my neighbor is gone. Possibly he is working out some internal angst, because he worked on his car until the early hours of the morning with power tools. I didn't fall asleep until after 1 a.m.

I woke up to a plague of a dream that was creepy, creepy. My happy little alarm went off at 7:00 (I reset it last night at about 12:30), but I stayed in bed in a half-sleep stupor thinking vividly about the dream and possible meanings until about 8:05. I had to leave at 8:30. So, rush, rush, rush. Forgot my doctor's appointment in the afternoon, and remembered the dream again when I got home and was irritated with myself for forgetting my appointment, and fell into a little TV slump. Little as in 6 episodes of Heroes (all caught up now) and am working my way through Office, season 3, which does not seem to be as funny as season 2, which is the only other season that I have seen.

Did I mention that this is clearly the end of my "silence fast." I didn't reveal the extent of it. Yes, silence in the car (that I've been faithful with) was part of it. But it was also a fast from television. I don't know, I don't know. I feel like closing things up. I skipped Bible study with the girls, I ate junk food, I debated about shutting off my myspace account. I didn't do homework, I didn't do the laundry necessary for the weekend trip, and I didn't pack for the trip either. Yet, I know, most likely I will wake up just fine tomorrow. If he's out there again tonight, I'm yelling at him from the balcony.

Silence

Lately, to clear my head, I've embarked upon a silence fast...meaning, in my car, instead of listening to a CD I've heard a thousand times, or flipping back and forth between radio stations with disatistfaction, I instead endure silence. I like it. I find myself really wanting to escape into music when I'm running late or anxious, but that usually ends up being when the silence is most needed. I feel like i've been a lot more mindful lately. And I'm sure paying a lot more attention to that God in my life, good ol' what's-his-name who is so lenient towards me. Really, I find I praise more, and pray more, and am calmer in general.

As refreshing as it's been , I can't wait to start listening to music again, starting early on Saturday morning when I leave for the great Northern valley of Yosemite. yup, again. But this time, oh, this time, I am taking the Tioga pass through the high country of Toulomne. Oh, beauty, beauty sings my heart! I'll power up the 395, past lakes and meadows and mountains to Lee Vining, and then cut over on the 120 to Toulomne. I've only taken this way once before, and it was years ago. Oh, it will be beautiful, most likely, awash in fall colors and all poetics will simply sit back in hushed wonder in my soul and maybe the need for constantly putting words to experience will mellow out in the backseat as a contented passenger. Sometimes my mind is so occupied by finding words.

I'm really looking forward to the drive. David Crowder, Jeremy Camp, Tom Petty, Natalie Merchant, Bach, Jack Johnson and maybe Janis Joplin will all be crowding in with me. But... no friends :< I'm kind of looking forward to the freedom of being the lone chooser...but I'm kind of dreading it too. I like traveling with people. I don't mind being by myself - I can do it. I'm pretty capable. I wasn't worried about this last time I went solo, but what if I get in a situation that's over my head? Nothing will happen to me outside of God's will though - that is my confidence. My prayer is that it all goes smoothly along without a hitch, but we'll see if that's what God wants it to be too. He may have me bumming rides off strangers and wrestling with bears and hiding in the forest at night. Hopefully he will have a spot waiting for me at the walk in campground in the valley. I may throw in my backpacking gear just in case there's no room in the inn...

Strange Dream

So, a few nights ago, I asked God, for the first time in quite a long time, to SEND ME A MATE! And something felt very right about it in my soul, and I fell asleep sort of certain that this time around was the charm, that maybe now the timing was right and life would take on the effortlessness of destiny unfolding. It's best to think positive at night before sleep! (blah blah blah)

The next morning, I woke up in a terror - heart racing, sweating, wide-eyed. Why, oh why? Because I had almost just drowned. It all started with me hopping off a lifeguard platform, missing my mark and landing in a shallow area. Mercifully, I was okay, and swam out to test the water for depth for a very forgetable man who was still up on the platform. I swam out to the rock wall at the edge of the swimming area, and (this is where my heart starts to beat fast again!) suddenly my ankles were held in a vise-like grip! The grip was so strong! I started to wave my arms, but couldn't scream, and then there was a man next to me who dove down beneath the water. Next thing I know, one ankle is free and then the other, and then I woke up in a sweaty panic.

Whew!

Okay - I'm adding to this one (10/2) because of a dream I had last night. I was high, high up on a ledge above a beach with my mom. She wasn't concerned about the height at all, and was sort of ambivalent to my fear. I was trying to get my arm out of my nightgown (one of my favorites; used to be my grandma's - it's very, very alluring, let me tell you) and almost fell. Same racing heart response!

So, drowning, heights, what's next? Maybe a tornado, earthquake, flood?